How to get out of your head in stressful situations

How to get out of your head in stressful situations

The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle is one of those trendy new-age spirituality books that many of you have likely heard of. I’m sure there are plenty of blog posts summarizing it and book reviews either praising or hating it. (Here’s mine.)

So in this post, I’ll skip the full summary and just focus solely on the number one thing I took away from the book: a super simple and practical tool that helps get me out of my head in stressful or anxious situations. To do that, let’s first get into some background for those who haven’t read the book.

You are not your mind

Tolle writes about what he calls “watching the thinker”, which is paying attention to the voice inside your head, but doing so as an impartial witness. Doing this allows you to recognize that you are not that voice, and thus you don’t have to entertain nor agree with everything it says.

So when you listen to a thought, you are aware not only of the thought but also of yourself as the witness of the thought. … You feel a conscious presence — your deeper self — behind or underneath the thought, as it were. The thought then loses its power over you and quickly subsides, because you are no longer energizing the mind through identification with it. This is the beginning of the end of involuntary and compulsive thinking.

When I’m in a stressful situation, whether I’ve just committed a social faux pas, or I’m dwelling on a personal failure, the common theme is that my mind will likely be racing. This very much feels involuntary and difficult to turn off.

So what’s to be done?

The single most vital step on your journey toward enlightenment is this: learn to disidentify from your mind.

This of course is a process that takes practice to master, but I have noticed immediate effects even from the first time I tried to witness my mind as separate from myself. It’s like being afraid of the huge monster until you see that it’s just a tiny bug’s shadow projected onto the wall. After that, you couldn’t convince yourself to be scared even if you tried.

One day you may catch yourself smiling at the voice in your head, as you would smile at the antics of a child. This means you no longer take the content of your mind all that seriously, as your sense of self does not depend on it.

There’s an important implication here that no matter how “enlightened” we become, our mind will always come up with negative, paranoid, or preposterous content. It’s not that this will change, but rather that we will no longer identify with it, no longer assume its validity, and will go as far as to smile at how outlandish it is.

You’re not your emotions either

Mind, in the way I use the word, is not just thought. It includes your emotions as well as all unconscious mental-emotional reactive patterns. Emotion arises at the place where mind and body meet. It is the body’s reaction to your mind — or you might say, a reflection of your mind in the body. For example, an attack thought or a hostile thought will create a build-up of energy in the body that we call anger.

Just as we easily identify with the thoughts our mind has, we also fall into the trap of identifying with how we feel.

I am angry. I am sad. Instead, we can frame it as merely an emotion we feel, not something we are. Feelings come and go.

The question

So, here it is.  With an awareness that you are not your mind, the next time you’re stressed:

Make it a habit to ask yourself: What’s going on inside me at this moment?

Take a moment and just observe. What thoughts are coming up? What emotions am I feeling? Is there any physical response happening?

An important note here is, “don’t analyze, just watch.” Maintain a separateness from your mind as an outside observer. Then “feel the energy of the emotion.” Remember that emotions are the body’s natural reaction to your mind. They are not to be judged, but merely observed. It’s okay they are happening.

This reminds me of a quote that was shared with me the other day:

RECOVER2

 

It’s okay to have a meltdown.  It’s okay that your mind will have negative, self-defeating thoughts. It’s okay that emotions will arise from those thoughts, and that you will feel physical discomfort sometimes.

Let me summarize the process. Focus attention on the feeling inside you. Know that it is [accumulated pain] . Accept that it is there. Don’t think about it — don’t let the feeling turn into thinking. Don’t judge or analyze. Don’t make an identity for yourself out of it. Stay present, and continue to be the observer of what is happening inside you.

To be able to pause for a moment in a stressful situation and take an honest look at what’s really going on inside of your mind is to give yourself a real chance. If you can’t break the identification with yourself and your mind, you have no chance. You will be a slave to whatever irrational thoughts come up. You will reduce yourself to being your emotions.

Using this technique has completely changed my perspective. As someone who tends to over-analyze and worry, being able to step outside of that has been like opening a window in a smoke-filled room. I can breathe. I have hope. Everything will be okay.

Let me know if you try this technique and how it works for you!

Points of wisdom from Brene Brown’s Gifts of Imperfection

Points of wisdom from Brene Brown’s Gifts of Imperfection

My book club read The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Here’s some of my favorite quotes:

Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.

No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough.

Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.

If you need to refuel and losing yourself online is fun and relaxing, then do it. If not, do something deliberately relaxing. Find something inspiring to do rather than something soul-sucking.

Before I start [doing something], I always ask myself, why is this worth doing? What’s the contribution that I’m hoping to make?

Trying to win someone over [who is huffing and puffing] is a mistake because it means trading in your authenticity for approval. You stop believing in your worthiness and start hustling for it.

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.” -Pema Chodron

When we spend a lifetime trying to distance ourselves from the parts of our lives that don’t fit with who we think we’re supposed to be, we stand outside of our story and hustle for our worthiness by constantly performing, perfecting, pleasing, and proving.

What is your default setting in response to shame?  What is your brave option/courage?

We are all made of strength and struggle.

Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.

Courage is contagious.

Common humanity recognizes that suffering and feelings of personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience.

When we numb the painful emotions we also numb the positive emotions.

The ancient Greeks say the opposite of joy is not sadness but fear.

Addressing scarcity doesn’t mean searching for abundance, but rather choosing a mindset of sufficiency.

When we compare, we want to see who or what is best out of a specific collection of “alike things”.

The more entrenched and reactive we are about an issue, the more we need to investigate our responses.

Don’t forget to follow me on Goodreads for book reviews and a look at what I’m reading next.

What to do when you can’t get rid of something (or someone)

What to do when you can’t get rid of something (or someone)

My book club started off the new year with an appropriate book: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing.

I wholeheartedly recommend this book to everyone.  It truly is life-changing. I won’t go into a full review of the book or the ways in which it can save your life, but I do want to focus on one particular idea.

One of the iconic suggestions the author of the book, Marie Kondo, offers is that for every item you thoughtfully consider whether or not it brings you joy.  Does this red sweater bring you joy?  Do these shoes?  Does this vase that your sister in law gave you spark joy in your life or not?  If so, keep it.  If not, get rid of it.  Simple as that.

If something does not spark joy but you have a hard time getting rid of it, ask yourself, “Am I having trouble getting rid of this because of an attachment to the past or because of a fear of the future?” Ask this for everyone of such items.

Look for your ownership pattern because it is an expression of the values that guide your life. Do you tend to have an attachment to the past or a desire for stability in the future, or both?

In recent life reflections, I have realized that this way of thinking can also be applied to people in your life.  Have a relationship that’s on the rocks yet you can’t seem to break away?  Is that because you’re holding on the past of afraid of your future?

Sometimes the rules of decluttering our spaces can be applied to decluttering our personal relationships — and this, too, can be life-changing.

Don’t forget to follow me on Goodreads for book reviews and a look at what I’m reading next.